Relationship Advice with
“Ask Bev”
Excerpts from her Newspaper Column
What is “Ask Bev?”
“Ask Bev” is the name of a Relationship Advice Column that Beverly has written for the past 8 years for Love Magazine.com, the Ojai/Ventura Voice Newspaper, and the Information Press, a popular New Age Magazine in California.
She is known around the United States as a Relationship Expert and has been extraordinarily successful in helping couples through difficult times to clarity.
Her responses to questions are based on her extensive study of the authentic expression of the Divine Masculine/Feminine DNA expressing as our Divine Nature and her extensive spiritual practice and background.
Below are some of her Q/A.
Dear Bev,
I am a successful woman in her forties. Lately, I find myself giving up on relationships. I hate going to bars, the internet dating thing has been exhausting, and all I want to do is go home and rest after working very long hours. Can you help?
— Giving up
Dear Giving Up,
How much we really want something is reflected in our actions and our priorities – not just in the sentiments we express. It sounds like you wish you weren’t giving up on relationships. The hard question is: What are you willing to do to give relationships a chance? Are you willing to re calibrate your priorities so that solo cocooning doesn’t’t top the list? Are you willing to go on dates that may not work out? Put in the energy to go to a party when you are very tired? Spend money on a high-end dating service?
If the honest answer to all those is no, then maybe you do need a time out. That’s what your heart seems to be saying. But if you’re willing to translate your yearnings into action – like going to parties – then your heart is saying it really doesn’t’t want to throw in the towel. Giving up on relationships comes with a heavy cost to the heart. Our time, energy, and money are important, but how can we even speak of them in the same breath as love?
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Dear Bev,
I broke up with my partner of 10 years almost a year ago. I still find myself choosing to spend most of my social time with him – just as friends and not as sexual partners. What does this mean? Should I go try again with him?
— Stuck in a Rut
Dear Stuck in a Rut,
The fact that you choose to spend most of your time with this man means you get something out of it. Maybe its comfort. Maybe a faint echo of feeling loved. But having no sexual contact, or any thought of it (if I read you correctly), speaks volumes. Your relationship lasted 10 years, so there was a lot right about it, but most of us need sexual intimacy with our mate for our hearts to feel fulfilled. What you’re doing now only works for a short time. And it takes you out of social circulation – perhaps during a time when you might have met your perfect match. Enjoy your friendship with this man for what it is – but keep your heart, and your calendar, more open. True love may be out there, but you need to be out there, too.
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Dear Bev,
I just did a 180-degree turnaround in my relationship of several years. I thought it was completely over with this woman. I was dating other people, and then, all of a sudden, I found myself buying an engagement ring and proposing marriage to her. Am I crazy?
— Ping Pong Lover
Dear Ping Pong Lover,
Could be. What part of you made the turnaround? The wise man who knows a good thing when he sees it and does not want to lose it, or the wounded child who is afraid of being alone? Did the choice come from fear or love? What is the feedback of your dear and true friends on these questions? Pose the questions to yourself and be still, then listen to the small voice of wisdom within you speak the truth. If your actions were informed by love, godspeed and smooth sailing in your life together. If your actions were demanded by a frightened inner child, brace yourself for tempests and rough seas.
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Dear Bev,
In your last column you wrote that one characteristic of women is that they sometimes say the exact opposite of what they really want or feel. I’ve been married for 14 years and have experienced this so many times in my marriage I cannot begin to tell you and it does drive me absolutely crazy. I often feel like all I am is a sounding board for her, or like I am being tested, and I don’t even know what the test is on! It is hard to be in her “line of fire” especially when I am getting scolded because I am ” missing her point. ” I often feel flabbergasted at the whole thing… out of control and frustrated. I don’t understand how to “do” this male- female thing. I wish she would learn to communicate clearly and simply to me and state directly what she wants and feels.
— Disgruntled
Dear Disgruntled,
I feel your genuine desire to be there for your woman and also the hurt and frustration you feel at getting energetically “whacked” when your best efforts seem to not be good enough in your honest attempt to understand her and make her happy. It is a difficult and often daunting undertaking this relationship business. It is both one of the the most rewarding and fulfilling journeys that any of us are fortunate enough to partake in and one of the most difficult, if not THE most difficult chapter in our complicated lives. We actually are learning to honor, love, and live with another species when we choose this male-female relationship dance. Whew.
I personally want to thank you for writing this question and wanting to learn how to improve things in your marriage. You are an excellent model for all of us. What you are doing is all any of us can ask of from our partners… to stay committed to the “relationship” process, to keep trying to understand how it all works, to try and implement new things, and to strive to grow together in service to each other’s soul, our own soul, the deepening of joy, peace, honesty, intimacy, and pleasure for ourselves and each other.
First, please understand that most women do not do this “miscommunication” on purpose to drive you nuts. It is an unconscious way of getting their needs met that has it’s roots deep in their ancestral feminine, genetic makeup.
It is quite possible that you are, in fact, being tested from this ancient ancestral place within your wife. It is my experience that this ancient feminine place needs to see/know/feel that her man can think clearly and act with wisdom in the face of her anger, rage, fear, sadness, and grief. That you can stabilize her and guide her as she rides out the “storm” of her feminine emotional nature. And being a “sounding board” for her at times is a generous gift of true masculine presence and an act of true love.
(And, ladies, this does not empower you in anyway to be abusive to your man. You must never name call, attack, or blame. Always speak in “I” statements and give feedback that relates to something happening right now… not days, weeks, or years ago. Express yourself through what your body is feeling. i.e. “I feel nauseous right now because… or my heart is heavy with sadness because…” etc. )
Emotional energy is very strong and can often disconnect women (and men at times) from their own capacity to know and act from truth. Sometimes we honestly are not capable of knowing what we truly need. It is in these times, when we are in the darkest depth of our feelings and emotions, that we really honestly need our partner to know for us what we most need for our highest well being. Women tend to act out this emotional energy more often than men but men do this as well. Women need men to know the best direction for them to take in spite of their “emotional storm”. They need to know their man can lead them and their family in a solid, and unwavering way. This also shows her that if and when a similar “storm” were to come at you from the outside world, in a life struggle or catastrophic event, that you could weather it and be victorious in it as well and your family would be safe.
Although it may appear during these “stormy” moments that women want to “win”, they sometimes secretly do not…(and often this is even secret to themselves). They really want their man to feel deeply into their hearts …. and know what they need most that will heal them and move them forward. That may look like not listening or following her words, or it may look like exactly listening and following her words. The answer lies in the depth and skill of the man’s capacity to read her deepest heart’s need. Remember not to take the non-constructive momentum of her emotions too seriously. When you hold steady and offer wisdom, strength, and presence in spite of all the “hooha” she will KNOW she is safe with you, cared for and loved. She will respect you and trust you. If she respects you and trusts you, her heart, body, and being will open to you and she will naturally want to care for you and honor you. This is one of the ways the bonds of relationship are fortified.
The “innateness” of this feminine quality can best be understood if you relate it to how some qualities are innately masculine. For instance, in general men get revitalized by a sense of freedom and peace. This is most often experienced by men needing time to be left alone, or going on a long bike ride, or surfing, or maybe zoning out with the newspaper, a TV show, a sports event, or a video game, or hanging out in the garage and working on a project … or maybe going to the gym or reading. The “keys” for men seem to be most often space, freedom, or peace. Most women, on the other hand, innately love to talk and talk with no end in sight … they get revitalized by engaging in the movement of energy, things (shopping), conversation, sharing love, etc… Filling up the space. Most men innately don’t need many “things”and they tend to keep the space open (i.e. the difference in a man’s refrigerator, house, or closet and a woman’s) …. they also like to stop energy… solve problems now and not discuss them ad infinitum. This allows them to return to their internal “peace”. There are many more qualities that are innately feminine or masculine which I can touch upon some other time. (By the way, it is very important to understand that we all are made up and act from of a unique mix of both these masculine and feminine energies.)
Now, to answer your question. Your wife and your marriage would certainly be well served if she learned the skill of speaking her needs directly to you . This is more of a masculine skill and is very useful to have … and the innate qualities of feminine energy just as the innate qualities of masculine energy will always be an inevitable reality in your relationship. So, in the meantime, as your wife is learning to speak her truth directly to you (and hopefully she is motivated to do that )… isn’t it in your best interest and her best interest for you to learn how to navigate the inevitable “feminine waters” ? The more navigation experience you have in these “waters”, the more skills you acquire that make the journey a much easier and much more enjoyable one, too. These acquired skills will not only be useful with your wife but will be extremely useful in your workplace and the world at large. This world of ours tests us all the time, challenges us to know the truth and navigate wisely despite the words and energy being thrown at us. What a great opportunity for learning and growth this can be for you as a person should you choose to take this attitude with it.
You might also want to consider asking yourself if you want to be a man whose heart’s courage and authentic truth runs deep in this way. Do you want to be a man who really feels his woman’s pain, joy, rage, grief?… Who listens to her and considers everything she has said, and can handle this ‘testing’ energy? If you can do this, it is not only a gift to her but can be a real gift to you as well. It may even help you see where you are shaky in yourself and thus help strengthen you.
And to go even one step further, if you can learn to receive her anger and criticism without closing down or defending yourself, you can learn to discriminate what is true and useful in it and it what may even be of benefit to you in making some necessary changes in your life… keeping what is good for you and respectfully disregarding the rest.
I’d like to close with this. You may want to consider a change in perspective as well… instead of focusing on her need to change, why not focus on gifting her with your strong masculine energy?… See if you can take her heart to new depths of adventure, wisdom, and openness, show her new aspects of life, and take her to places and provide her insights that she could not even tell you to take her to even if she tried. This is such a worthy and noble gifting of your masculine love.
My prayer is this… if you choose to practice these reorientations, that you feel an added and new kind of strength, fulfillment, and bliss that comes from living this flavor of true, deep, and divine masculine essence … and that all beings be served and blessed by your embodiment.
Thank you again. Blessings and Love to you.
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Dear Bev,
I am troubled. I have been seeing a wonderful woman for almost 6 months now. I thoroughly enjoy her company. I respect her and feel very passionate about her. She is loyal and committed to me. The other day she asked me to commit to being monogamous with her and I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s like I am 2 separate people. One part of me feels she is the one for me and can see marrying her and being the luckiest man in the world. This other part of me can’t imagine settling down. It wants to stay free and continue seeing other women. This part wants more but when I look inside myself, I really don’t even know what it is I want more of. Please help.
— Split in Two
Dear Split in Two,
Your dilemma is more common than you would imagine. All of us have at one time or another have had this odd experience of feeling like two different people with absolutely opposing viewpoints coexisting within our one body. We feel like a ping pong ball with a tug of war going on inside of us. And actually, that is exactly what is going on.
Growing up, most of us do not get our needs fully met and some of us don’t get our needs met very much at all, actually getting quite damaged from our childhood. In those past moments when those needs existed strongly in us but were not met a part of our attention gets stuck in that moment. This younger, frustrated, and often confused version of us is actually the driving force behind this kind of internal conflict. It continues to try and get it’s needs met from the recesses of our unconscious. Your task is to find out which feeling is coming from your healthy adult and which is coming from this wounded past self.
- Some ways to investigate this are:
Notice how old you feel when the different feelings are in the forefront of your experience. What does your voice sound like? What words do you use? What does your body feel like? - Ask yourself what are you afraid is going to happen if you follow through committing? Does this fear seem reasonable for an adult or does it feel more like the fear a younger person may have?
- Notice the exact quality of the feeling you are having. Give it words without censoring the words. Do you feel like a teenager who never got to date because you were not popular and you deeply want to date lots of girls? Do you feel like a young child who wants to be in control because you were being smothered by your mother?
These are suggestions only. You need to prioritize the resolution of this dilemma by spending time in reflection either alone or with trusted friends. Be curious about your dilemma. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be to a friend who needs your help. Treat this like you are solving a mystery as our inner life is just that. It is a very complex matter and you must be loving and patient with yourself. Know that this is a great opportunity to heal your past and feel grateful that this has presented itself. Explain what you are going through to your friend. Get her support if you can as your act of being honest and vulnerable with her could actually bring you closer together. With loving compassion for yourself, your process, and your friend, and a commitment to honor truth above all us, this experience can leave you with tremendous inner space, an open heart, and a peaceful soul.
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Dear Bev,
I recently reconnected with a woman with whom I shared a vibrant and deep loving relationship before a very ugly separation. I have grown emotionally over the past year. However, I wonder if she has grown and will be less judgmental and verbally abusive toward me. Am I playing with fire with my interest in renewing our relationship?
— Firewalker
Dear Firewalker,
You very well may be playing with fire, and, you will never know if that is true without getting a little closer to it. It is clear that you are afraid of being burned by this fire. Yet it is also clear that the fire is attracting you to it or you would not have asked this question. Handle this “fiery situation” like a campfire. Go close enough to so you can feel the fire. If you feel nurtured by it, stay near it, yet stay sensitive and present to how you feel. If it begins to stop nurturing you, step back and readjust yourself to the distance that is comfortable to you.
Any time we open to reconnecting with something that has caused us pain, it is wise to be unsure…fire can burn and scar. Be cautious. Proceed slowly. Ask yourself often if this relationship is supporting you and your life. Then listen to the answer and follow it.
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Dear Bev,
I had coffee with a man I met on an internet dating service yesterday. He was very interesting and I enjoyed his energy. Unfortunately, while he is looking for a relationship, I am more interested in him as a friend. Was there a lack of integrity in having the coffee with him? Does pursuing further contact serve me in any way?
— Decaf
Dear Decaf,
If you had coffee with him and did not tell him up front that you had no interest in him as a potential relationship, this constitutes the “sin of omission” and is not honest nor fair to this person. He deserves honesty just like you do. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if he led you on and held his intentions from you? You like most of us would probably feel a bit embarrassed and exposed.
It does not mean that a friendship could not arise. It may, and the experience of being exposed and embarrassed could have been avoided if you had spoken your truth right up front. This man could then make an informed as to what he wants to do. Often we humans use omission unconsciously as a way to covertly manipulate a situation for our betterment. Manipulation always hurts and is not in integrity.
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Dear Bev,
I consider myself an awake and evolved human being. As I work deeper into my psyche, I look and find fewer and fewer people with whom that I care to connect socially. Am I directing myself into social isolation?
— Conscious and alone
Dear Conscious and alone,
The majority of our population does not yet prioritize evolving their souls. Therefore, having fewer social experiences that reflect a deep and conscious soul context is the predictable result as one awakens to these more subtle levels of perception and experience. The number of your social experiences may be few but that really depends upon the circle of friends you are keeping. This topic has very little to do with social isolation.
Social isolation will only result if you are not able to find the joy in simply being present in the moment, with no agenda, with another quality human being, perhaps less awake than you are, but of value in our journey. If you can not have this experience with joy and love emanating from your being, then you may want to reconsider the level of evolution you are honestly at.
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Dear Bev,
I am a bit embarrassed to even ask this question and yet I really, truly need the advice. Your answers are so loving that I have come to trust you. So here goes.
I am late bloomer. I am a man currently in his 20s who has never been fortunate enough to have had a girlfriend until just recently. I have no experience in the ways of lovemaking let alone the simple act of kissing. I am in need of advice on how to kiss, just kiss. If I can just learn to really kiss her, I would be so happy. I want to do this, and I am hesitating because I have no idea what to do.
–Late Bloomer
Dear Late Bloomer,
Wow. What guts! Now this is a beautiful and caring request. What a lucky woman! Okay, here goes. First, this subject is sacred ground. Kissing is such an intimate act. In many ways more intimate than lovemaking itself. It is not easy for us to hide. When we kiss, we are face to face, eye to eye, body to body , feeling each other’s breath, smelling each other’s smell, tasting each other’s flavor. We can see if there is Love looking at us through the eyes, or is our partner vacant? Are they so involved in technique that we don’t feel their love? As a woman, to open to our man, we need you to be very present to us. Present physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually. If you waver and get lost into your own pleasure for too long, or get mentally distracted, our bodies automatically shut down. Our pleasure and response to you is reflected in the depth of presence you bring to us. Gifting us with your deep presence is the most important thing any man can give his woman. So this is the number one rule: Show up fully. Be Fully Present. Breathe with her, touch her face, her hair, look deeply into her eyes. Feel her breath, feel into her heart. Don’t rush. By feeling her heart you will sense what her body wants from your lips and your hands. You need to ask yourself what will open this woman to me? Going slowly at first is often a real turn on for women. Men who go too fast, use their tongue or hands too much and too fast, usually send us running. So savor the kiss like a delicious, delicate chocolate. Express your unique self, connect as deeply as you can to your own heart and being, allow sound, follow the flow of energy by always feeling into her heart and don’t hold back from experimenting a bit. Make it playful at times, serious at times, sensual at times, sexual at times and always stay connected to her. And what is the number one rule? ALWAYS STAY PRESENT TO HER. There are some technical suggestions that are a must as well. Keep your body and mouth clean and breath fresh. Dress well, look inviting and attractive. Be and feel like a man who any woman would love to kiss. As you approach your meeting with her, remember your own wonderful qualities. What do people like about you? Bathe in the gift that you are for a few moments. There is nothing sexier than a confident, deep man. You can also try practicing on the inside of your arm or your palm where it’s soft and you can get some tactile feedback. Explore the warmth and tenderness of your tongue, and lips. Nuzzle, nibble, use different pressures and tempos. Use your fingertips, your hair, your head, use everything. Let Love move through you as you kiss. Kissing allows Love the nectar and bliss of kissing itself in the form of the “other”. Put your ego aside and awaken to this deep truth and the glorious, divine feeling of merging as Love, with Love. Hope this helps. Blessings.
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Dear Bev,
I love my husband like a good friend but no longer feel the “in love” feelings that I used to. I no longer look forward to going home and being with him, and our times together are tense. We’ve been married for five years and have two children, and I think our marriage started to go bad about two years ago.
In the past few months my husband has admitted that he was not treating me well enough and started making a bigger effort to make me happy. He is doing much more around the house and with the kids. He had gained about 50 pounds, which added to our problems, and now he’s started to lose some weight. But my question is, can I get back the feeling of being in love? Or is it too late? What can we do together to make our marriage work?
–Marriage gone South
Dear Marriage gone South,
You can fall back in love with your husband, but both of you will have to work at forgiving and moving on. You might be falling out of love because you are focusing on negative parts of your husband’s personality or bad things that happened with him in the past — a common relationship problem. Many people make a decision to only see one part of their partner’s personality and, in turn, take away their love.
Your husband is making an effort to restore your relationship. Although he did not live up to your expectations before, it seems he is aware and is trying to get your marriage back on track. The good news is that when someone makes an effort like this there is hope that problems can be worked through. Especially when there are children involved, it is often worth honoring this effort and responding in kind.
Being in love is a choice, and you have more power to make that choice if you root yourself in the present. Everyone makes mistakes. Without realizing that, it is impossible to remain in a strong and healthy relationship. Find out what is good and worthy about your husband now. You can choose to focus on the good parts of his personality just by opening your heart. Speak openly and kindly, and truly listen to whatever he says. Plan special time alone together. Find out and share who both of you are now. If you give with an open heart, and he gives to you, it won’t be difficult to fall in love again.
There is, however, a crucial difference between loving another person and feeling as though you are “in love” or “out of love.” Feelings of being “in and out of love” fluctuate in all relationships. Like the weather, they come and go. Even how you feel physically has an effect on your emotions.
On the other hand, loving someone means respecting and caring for them no matter what circumstances come up. I don’t mean you should accept abuse, but you should strive to remain loyal during a time of stress. Loving your husband means giving him the opportunity to repair misdeeds; it means judging him favorably and being willing to forgive. Please remember that a marriage that lasts over time is dependent upon loving, not necessarily being “in love.”
I wish you the best.